Its the 9th day after a year and half in Sydney. Unexpectedly, a lot of things around here made me stressed up. The main driver, I think, its about job searching process. What I want to do, what kind of job I want to perform, and of course, salary pressure (read:money). After several sleepless nights, I realized that one of the main source is the high expectation, that does not really match up with reality. First, I expect to be viewed by my parents as a success person and my main dream was bringing them to traveling holiday overseas. Yet, It did not happen, because I need to fly up again for the job interview. Plus, I came back with a such of very thin posture and made everyone think that I was suffering a lot, which is I didn’t. The condition was worsened by my parents, who keep saying to ask very high salary, which I don’t think it doesn’t make sense at all. But, the more I explained to my parents, the more I feel, “Is it this thing the reality that I told my parents, that their salary expectation is doesn’t make sense, or is it just my low self esteem that prevent me to ask a higher salary?” Again, its all about money. I was thinking that over the 1,5 years in Sydney, I already collected enough money to have descent life, bring my parents holiday traveling, and buy new vehicle. I have a descent life, yes, I rented the most expensive room, with complete facility. However, when the reality struck me, that the situation has not really changed. I still stay in the same area, going to the small restaurant around the same area like I used to be 1,5 years ago before I went to Sydney. All of these things, stresse me out and make me keep thinking to find a way to going back to Sydney soon.

Well, I guess I little bit to impatient. A job interview still on the process. I still have at max 4 years to prepare everything, like I planned before. Learned how to drive, get a date (probably). Again, the reality that everyone is same like I used to be a year and half ago is the main thing that might stressed me out. However, it just a matter of time for me to get acceptance. In the deep down of my heart, I also want a recognition, which I didn’t get, that I already get a descent and happy life. The fact that my parents keep asking me for salary, as a indicator of successful criteria, and how society judge you based on how many things you can show up to them, car and house, made me sick.

It is no use that even though I tell them how incredible my experience was during my master degree such as new knowledge, beautiful nature, wild life, new people, new thinking, new culture; in this capitalistic world, people still judge you based on how much money you have by showing up your asset. Before that, people still considered you are not successful, or worse, loser. Since parents had not descent life for years (they try to save everything for their kids), its understandable that they put money, how much you can earn as  success indicator. I was feel very offended at that time, when my parents mocking me about asking such a low salary, like I just made the worst decision of my life and it will destroy me. They keep saying about the overseas graduate with working experience must asking the highest salary. I recognized that this thing had happened when I was graduation from bachelor degree, when my parents keep asking me to apply job overseas because I got very high GPA, ignoring the university indicator. At the end, I failed and ended up in the local job.

Well, the life has to continue. The clock was ticking very slow when I was preparing for my scholarship application. During that time, I sacrifice the opportunity to find a better job for the scholarship that something uncertain. But, at some point, 2 years also passed away very quickly. Then, there were also moments in Sydney when the clock was ticking very slow and quick.

The clock keep slowing down ticking at the moment, it will be back to the point when I am preparing for the next english test, but the goal is different, its not for scholarship anymore. I have to be more patient, try to ignore more of the society expectation, and life in my way